FYS Final.

I represented the role of a White, male Baby Boomer in the simulation. I think not only the position of my role amongst the others, but also the time at which my character was announced in the simulation were fairly accurate representations of the level of respect and hierarchy shown to such individuals. In addition to standing at the head of our demographic representation, he was permitted to completely bypass all the other levels of classification on his way to the top even though he was announced last. I found it particularly disappointing that though his role represented one of the newest classifications present, as African Americans and out GLBT women have been in existence throughout history while "Baby Boomer" is a fairly recent term, was ordered at the highest rank. He has shown the least amount of struggle, and is offered the most opportunity.

I am truly disgusted in the amount of emphasis placed on any person's social status in this country. In my opinion, "The American Dream" of power and success not only excludes an inexcusable excess of Americans, it further encourages the uneven distribution of privilege and opportunity. Why are we encouraging ourselves to continue to recognize every conceivable label, and even going as far as to create new ones? I understand that certain opportunities are amplified for any specific "classification" of people and hindering for another, for instance, the white, male Baby Boomer has to struggle with discrimination regarding social security, the out gay, bisexual, transgendered woman however will also eventually have to face that struggle, in addition to every other discrimination she has had to endure on the road to that point. The point still being that those individuals are being solely defined by when they were born or who they chose to sleep with- both irrelevant issues regarding their right to social security. I believe that the "American Dream" should be altered to specifically exclude the concept of classification or privilege. I think a distinct effort needs to be made to bridge every gap from the Native Americans to the White, male Baby Boomer, and distribute power and opportunity without constraints. The American Dream should focus exclusively on a person's dream or aspiration, while completely disregarding all other aspects.

El Dia de los Muertes.

I know this was not an assignment, but this activity hit very close to home, so I decided to blog on it anyway.
The day before I moved down to Redlands from Lake Arrowhead, I learned that my friend Ethan had passed away in a car accident the night before. I knew Ethan through the wrestling program at my high school; though I was not extremely close to him the impact of his passing was felt tremendously,mostly vicariously through wrestlers I was closer to.
In addition to being a varsity wrestler, Ethan was involved with boy scouts, and a devout guitar player. He would have been a senior at Rim this year, and intended to become a fire fighter after graduation. His life was cut short, however, when his girlfriend, Emily, took a corner too fast on the rim, sending his car through the guard rail and over the side of the mountain. Emily survived the accident, but her spirit has been shattered by it's repercussions- feeling the responsibility of his death, having to declare bankruptcy at age 18 due to hospital bills and damages, being charged with involuntary manslaughter.
This tragedy intensified the difficulty of the transition of relocating, as I felt like I should have been mourning him with my team. I was constantly on the phone with my boys up the hill, and was unable to focus on my new surroundings- which I think in the long run stunted my social ability at the University. I had to miss one of our first FYS meetings in order to attend his funeral, which was one of the most difficult affairs I have ever had to attend- watching boys who I had seen dislocate arms or break noses with out flinching cry their hearts out over their friend's grave made me ill.
I couldn't help but have Ethan in mind during the Dia de los Muertes activities. When we were painting the votive candles, I chose to cover mine in music notes, but shortly learned that I had painted them all backwards. While I was disappointed momentarily, I was comforted when Gary said "In some places in Canada, though, they sometimes draw them in that direction, so you can just say it's from Canada." No one every understood why, but Ethan had always had an unusual obsession with Canada, even going as far as saying that was where he was from, though he had never been there. It so amazed me how accidentally perfect that little project fit my dear friend's life and interests, I was brought to tears.

Meditation 101.

I attended two of Fran Grace's Meditation 101 classes. In each class, we practiced a different form of meditation, and I walked away from both experiences with a different influence. I have postponed my reflections on this experience purposely, as my opinion of the subject has been in transition.
During my first class, we practiced a Hindu form of deep and total relaxation. In order to achieve such relaxation, we were taught to tighten individual muscles as much as possible and then completely relax them, in succession, to release all tension in each area. While i found the process to be extremely calming, I failed to find the aftermath to me worth it. I was able to find a completely relaxed state, in mind and body; when my mind came back to the real world, however, I was overwhelmed to the point of sickness by all the issues i had to deal with. By placing my troubles out of mind momentarily, I forced myself to endure their sudden and entire return. All my worries- academically, socially, in my family- were so built up, that I was made ill when they were fully realized.
After the exercise, we sat in a circle and discussed some reasoning for turning to meditation and its effects. One girl disclosed that she turned to meditation as a last resort. Apparently she had been admitted to the hospital the previous night, because she was unable to breathe. After running several tests, her problem was attributed to stress and anxiety. She told Fran however that she felt that even meditation had failed in helping her to take a deep breathe. Fran then used the situation as a metaphor for life: it had taken a long time to build up enough stress to effect the girl's breathing, and that it would take time to break it back down; to place more emphasis on the process rather than the goal.
I was initially convinced that, while i was interested and respect the practice, it was not effective for me at this point in my life. I wanted to get to a point where i was nearly relaxed on my own, and only needed to meditate to enhance that relaxation. I felt as though i had too much going on to be able to separate myself from all of it like that. After consulting with one of my peers who attends Fran's class weekly, however, I was convinced to try one more time, as part of a P.R.I.D.E. activity.
I returned the following day for another form of group meditation which was preceded by a conversation regarding each participant's religion of choice, and how it has reflected our lives. After reflecting upon the paths we have all chosen, we embarked on a Christian meditation based upon a wish for forgiveness and acceptance. We were asked to reflect on ourselves, and make a wish that all of our personal sufferings and worries would subside. from that point of forgiveness, we were asked to focus first on someone we loved, then on someone who had hurt us, then someone we had hurt, moving out of our circle to focus on Redlands as a whole, then California, the country, the world, the universe, and to make the same wish for each of them. At the point at which i was asked to focus on the world, I found myself in uncontrollable tears when i considered how gigantic that wish to end suffering and worry was, how horrible of a world we have created for some people.
This session was followed by nearly an hour of conversation about everything from homophobia to carousels. Fran used a very comprehensive analogy to explain the world around me, and how people become so wrapped up and stressed out. She explained that a the horses on a carousel are moved by the electricity in the middle, but they can only move up in down, in the defined circle. If people are analogous with the horses, we would be calm and accept the given path that we are taken in; we choose, however, to try to be in multiple places at once, wanting numerous different things, which just is not possible- there by destroying the simplicity and defying the natural drive of the cycle.
Fran's analogies helped me to better understand, not only the purpose, but the necessity of meditation in my life at this point. I became so overwhelmed after my first experience because I am trying to do too much at onetime- trying to pull away from my carousel- and ignoring that will not send me into the process of fixing them. kind of like how addicts are told that admitting they have a problem is the first step to recovery. I have learned to focus on the positives in my life, to stop trying to fix everything, to prioritize, to not overwhelm myself. I think that this was a very good skill for me to learn before I have had to deal with overly extreme stresses and while i have time to condition the exercises into practice before next semester.

Smiley Library and Lincoln Memorial.

While I really wasn't raised with a positive attitude toward libraries, books were anything but lacking in my childhood. Growing up, every librarian I can remember made the library into a scary place. I always felt flustered,and uneasy, like I was invading their space and creating a major inconvenience. In high school for instance, the librarians were so unwelcoming, that they were openly referred to as the "book Nazis". This background, I think made me uneasy in even the child friendly Smiley Library; I spent most of our time there in the garden.
I was always encouraged to read, however, and books were always present in abundance. When I was in elementary school, and very impressionable, an aunt who i have always been very close to, was attending UCR and encouraged me to read a lot of what she was being exposed to. In 3rd grade, she started with Sandra Cisnero's House on Mango Street, 6th grade brought about bell hook's Bone Black and Communion, and by 8th grade I had devoured A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn,The Marx Reader, and The Angela Davis Reader.
I very much enjoyed visiting the Lincoln Memorial, my favorite part being that so many different aspects of the time period were represented, not only his autobiography. As an artist, I would like to be able to further analyze the controversial Norman Rockwell painting displayed in the memorial, as it represented so much of what was occurring during the war, everything from racism to feminism.